Wherever You May Be
by galleons
Summary: In which Peeta tries to ask Haymitch for some advice…again.
1. Chapter 1

Wherever You May Be

Chapter 1

The blonde boy, newly arrived, and yet no stranger to the area, approached the house. There was a light on in the kitchen. He turned the knob as he used to, never thinking that now, it might not be such a good idea. He realized then, it might be and stopped himself. He removed his hand and decided to look through the curtain-less window. There used to be curtains. _He probably fell into them by accident, never caring to put them up again,_ he thought.

He found everything to be the same. Face down on the table. A hand wrapped around a bottle securely. He found him very much the same, in a dirty, blue bathrobe with a hunched over body in a combination of sleep and passing out, due to the bottle and its contents.

He turned the knob again and walked slowly in. He closed the door and lightly set his sole suitcase on the ground.

He walked over quietly and gave himself enough distance to not startle the sleeper. And also to make sure he didn't get knifed. This time it might not be by accident. He grabbed a dirty dish towel from the floor and wrapped it around his hand, just in case.

He took his other hand and gently placed it on the sleeping form's shoulder, and moved back.

"Haymitch….it is me, Peeta…I need to talk. Can you wake up, please. I just got in."

The groggy sleeper looked around and took in the place slowly. He jumped a little as he turned his head to see the visitor. "So it is you. A surprise…but then again I was expecting it. Sit down."

Peeta pulled out a chair and seated himself.

Haymitch looked around the messy piles on the kitchen table and eyed his knife. Peeta's eyes follow him. Haymitch slid his knife towards himself slowly dragging it through the spilled milk, liquor, and cereal.

"All ears… I am keeping the knife out though, if you don't mind. And even if you do. But I should say….it is good to have you back in 12."

Peeta looked down at his hands, thinking about what to say and how to say it.

Haymitch exhaled deeply and thought of the old Peeta, who was never at a loss to express himself, especially through words, when he wanted to. _One of his greatest strengths…_

Peeta swallowed loudly and then started. "A little bit at a time. The harder I work at it, the harder it is, but then I make progress…connections. I feel _myself._ It is coming back. The bad….and the good too; all with _her_. I wish I could have done something to make it come sooner."

"They tried everything. It wasn't pretty. I guessed it had to come from you. In a way, there was nothing I could do to help. And Aurelius is good, but this time I am a mentor with his hands tied, in more ways than one." He took a long, hard pull on his high ball glass. Peeta noticed the chips on the rim.

"I know," he said quietly and looked at the knife. "You really can stop gripping the knife so hard. I don't do that anymore. I haven't in a long time," he offered solemnly.

"Now why would I do that? How do I know that.?You haven't been around us in awhile."

"I know….I mean I know now." His voice rose hopefully. "It came back to me."

"What did?" Haymitch fixed his gaze on him.

"She…she came back to me. I remember now."

"Other things too? Some good things? It must stink only remembering your heart getting stepped on over and over again?" Haymitch took a long swig from his glass.

"Some not at all. I will have to work at it. Some things I am not sure of. But some I am."

"Like what?"

"Like….that I love her."

Haymitch's voice sounded doubtful. "Anyone could have told you that. Everybody knew that. You went for her. _Twice. _And all the other stuff too. How can I be so sure now? When I am not so sure of anything, and certainly not of you…yet. It would only take a second…"

"I know. She may never trust me again. Always thinking that I would…" Peeta put both his hands over his face and looked about to tear. He ran them through his hair and shifted in his seat.

Haymitch studied him. "Then again. You give up to easily. That guy I don't know." Haymitch punched a finger in the air toward him. "And maybe you will remember again not to listen to me, or to know when and when not to. She doesn't. It might work for you."

"Me?"

"Yes and no. You two have nothing in common." Haymitch rubbed his eyes., kept them closed, but held out a hand. Peeta's face fell and made as if to get up slowly. "Wait, a few more things, and nothing too flattering either. There are a few things also that maybe you do."

Haymitch got up and paced around the kitchen.

"You don't listen when you need too. You are both difficult once you think your minds are made up, and, in general, too damn stubborn."

Peeta nodded.

"And you are so stubborn when it comes to her. It is a big problem. Caused you a lot of grief, didn't it?" Haymitch turned to face him.

Peeta was silent.

"And then again…. it might have just saved your ass, whether you realized it or not at that time. You scared the hell out of us. Still might. I haven't decided yet."

Peeta straightened up in his chair and met his hard gaze.

"It wasn't me. Or it was, but distorted. It took a long time to sort out… to separate all those things. What was done, to me."

Haymitch changed his tone."I am not blaming you. But what happened, happened. And I am not letting our sweetheart here off the hook either. It was not all Snow. Other things might have been bubbling up or you realized them too. And don't tell her I said that either. She didn't care right away like you did, or even way before that. Fact. The whole Gale thing is another story entirely…" Haymitch lowered his voice.

Peeta's eyes filled with tears.

"Stop. Enough crying. And I can't stand it when you do it over her. It worked on tv, but it is not for me." His face softened a bit. "You are forgetting something… helpful."

"Have you ever been helpful? To me, alone?" Peeta's brows knitted. But Haymitch noticed he was calm. Not a tinge of rage. And his hands were still.

"Maybe not outwardly. But I did try to do things to help her…that helped you too because you held on so tight to her coattails."

Haymitch pulled out a chair and threw himself into it.

"Really. It is too early. And I don't have nearly enough in this bottle left to deal with it…this love, drama stuff. So much for a quiet and peaceful retirement…So I will try to forget that, if you try to remember this."

"What is it?" Peeta wiped his eyes and looked at him.

"You _saved_ her. Again. And you were not….yourself. And to me, that meant you were. Or you were still you, if that makes any sense. Somewhere in there." He prodded his finger into his chest. "Because that girl, if not for you, was going to swallow that little purple pill faster than anyone could have stopped her."

Peeta grew white. "All I knew was that I couldn't live without her. The rest came later. But it was starting during the missions. As the stuff wore off, I could start to try to manage my thoughts….my feelings. I just couldn't shake off those waves…the images…fear, pain, guilt." His face twisted with grief, and he began again.

"I started to feel myself again. And I remembered….remembered things, like that."

"Things like what?"

"That the only person that has ever made me happy was her…in my whole life. And I had to protect her, from herself."

"Nothing new." Haymitch wave a lazy hand in the air. "So did I, or tried to. I lost count. Continue, and…"

"And I wasn't going to go anywhere or let her go anywhere where I couldn't be….with her. Even death. Not if I could help it. And it was not the first time. I remember that _now."_

Haymitch continued to watch him.

"And it mattered more to me…more than anything they…_he_ did to me. And I think that is when things started to get clearer, faster for me."

"That was so fast. One could get the feeling that it was more like a reflex. Like your mind…maybe your heart knew before you did?" Haywitch offered.

"Yes. Something like that…."He gave Haymitch a small half-smile, but his eyes were still red.

And that is how _I knew_, maybe not 100%, but that you were better. Still _you."_ Haymitch put his fingers together and leaned back at a weird angle, but a comfortable repose in his chair.

"So, lover, what are you going to do now?" Haymitch asked airily, but bitterly. "Are we neighbors? Like the neighborhood? Welcome home, it isn't much but…"

"It is my home. Our home. Wherever she goes…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…you will be there too. I am not surprised. Even took a shorter time than I would have imagined once." He smirked at him, as if amused.

"If she will have me? If we can be friends again, maybe…"

"Do I look stupid? Sometimes you both act like you think I am. Like _you_ just want to be friends…but I _would_ try that first. Don't fast track her or back her into a corner. She doesn't like that. "

They stared at each other in silence.

"So…how are you going to break the ice then, lover boy, over that heart of hers?"

"I think I can. I can try."

"Do you?" Haymitch raised an eyebrow. "Well, that is good to hear. I am not involved right? Oh, and a box of candy won't work with her. You should know that. Only works in the Capitol…well, what is left. But for not having much of the way of female sentiments…you know, the usual ones, she likes those flowers you paint. But don't draw or ever give her…."

"Roses. Especially those white. That color…the doctor told me."

"Right."

"But other flowers might be okay?"

"Maybe. Or she could rip them into shreds with her hands or stomp on them. Either way…the gesture wouldn't be lost on her."

"No. Would you help me anyway?"

"Yes, but not for this. This time you are truly on your own. She has to see it comes from you, like in the past. I can help in other ways. Like giving advice. But otherwise you go it alone, and I am not interfering in this one. Not this time, sorry."

Peeta looked at him but said nothing.

"So a little mentoring advice for the hell of it….that I can give. Whether you listen to me this time or not is up to you. Either way…my hands are clean." Haymitch held out both his hands to face Peeta. "Not responsible."

Haymitch rose from the table again and walked around, looking at the air.

"Don't push her. If you have learned nothing or don't remember, let me remind you. It doesn't work. It has _never _worked for you. You can thank me later…"

"I did…learn that, remember that."

"Be yourself. You're our little charmer. Giver her space…time. And hope for the best. And…"

"And…"

"I think she might be yours. It could be worse, or you've been through worse."

"How do you know?"

"Come back tomorrow. Do not, I repeat, do _not _go and see her. I know that will be hard for you. Do not put on your lights or make any indication that you are here yet, got that? I have got to talk to you first. Bring you up to snuff. Sae comes over and I will tell her to not tell Katniss in case Sae sees you. You need to settle in first. And you are not going to tell Katniss that I knew you were here earlier. I may never hear the end of it, and she will come stomping up here, barging into my house maybe. Got that? Have you been alone long?"

"No."

"Did you just leave Aurelius?"

"A week or two ago, and then I really just relaxed and did some thinking. Other wise, nothing much else, but I had to be sure I was ready."

"Well, are you?" Haymitch gestured to him.

"I am now."

"Be polite, like the good boy you are. And don't come in the morning. Three in the afternoon is good. I should be up and having breakfast then. And while you are at it, a….a little mentor present would be nice. They sell this really great new white liquor….fine quality….not cheap, not expensive…."

"I will have to leave my house to get it. But you really shouldn't be…."

"Ok, forget it. You are still on that. Sounds familiar. I will go. Sometime today. Oh, and you better leave now."

"Why?:

"Because forest girl is out and about, so she won't see you move back in to your house. Remember no lights on in the house. No bread making or art stuff. Nothing. Our little sweetheart has super senses as you know. And I need to think, and I need more to drink before I really get down to business with you tomorrow."

Then something occurred to him and he continued.

"Hey wait, what about noise? Are you still having those…."

"Not like that. When it happens I just shake a little and let is pass. I hold on to something and it helps me. But it doesn't happen much. Not like it did. I can deal with it better now."

"We'll see. And I will be watching. If you hurt her again, that might be it. And I will have to protect her, you should know, only the neighborly thing to do. But you have to worry about not being able to protect yourself from her. She has the bow on her. You know that. No more chances, and another word of advice. You have to really want this. Want her to be happy, or as happy as she can be….and work on it. I think we both know that."

"I know that. That is why I didn't come…sooner."

"And you need to see if…if it is going to be right for you. You are still healing. Will it hurt the process? Damage you irreparably…in the heart, I mean? You need to decide if you are going to take the risk."

"I have to try. I won't give up. I never have."

"Now that does sound like you. Smart boy. See you tomorrow. I will even leave the door unlocked for you. But I will have my knife, so you know. Don't knock though. I won't answer the door."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"So, Sweetheart hasn't seen you?" Haymitch looked a little brighter, more alert, less drunk, but not by much.

"No." Peeta slightly shook his head, but he looked unsure, wondering if Haymitch knew something he didn't.

"Good. I know that. I would have heard about it already. Haymitch reached for a bottle on the table and poured a generous amount of liquor into an almost empty glass. "What did you do?"

Peeta paused and then recounted his previous evening and early day. "I cleaned up quietly. Unpacked…I don't have much. When it was dark I slept, but not much. I couldn't think. What I would say…"

"Don't think so much. You are doing it now. It scares me. I can see it in your face. You are making my brain hurt and it is only after 3." Haymitch downed a large portion of the glass.

Haymitch looked at him testily. "How are you going to start? Wait. Forget that. I will tell you what to do."

He rose from his chair awkwardly and roamed the kitchen.

"This time…take it slow. We got it, ok? Everyone got it. I think she got it too. Don't start in with the: I'll-die-without-you-stuff. The…. _I can't breathe unless you are near_ _me, lovey stuff again, huh?_ Way too much pressure that you both don't need right now. The _I want you or I want your babies stuff_ or whatever you were telling her or were going to. I can only imagine the gushy stuff I didn't hear or know about. Or anything else you _ever _were going to say and wasn't able to get out. Not too much on the subtle side, are you? _Heart on your sleeve stuff? Just don't do it_. I am _not _Flickerman and neither is she. And I don't want to know. You have to try a different approach if you want to keep her. To love you back even, perhaps. Don't try to snare her. She doesn't like it, and she can smell it a mile away. She may lash out. As we both very well know. Or at the very least….just _run _from you again. And if she does, you will have to deal with the fall out. And I don't remember you _liking it_ very much.

"Nobody….the biggest lesson here…can make her do _anything_ she doesn't want to do. It has to come from her. You can't make her want a life…a normal life. You can't make her want things she doesn't, or you _think _you do. You have to be sure too. You can't make her believe there is any good left in this world or that she deserves it or to be a part of it. That there is a place for her, where she belongs…and you _live t_here." Haymitch's voice had raised and he gestured at him to make a point.

"You know what I mean. Don't pretend you don't."

"I'm not," Peeta answered. Haymitch narrowed his eyes.

"Good. Then we understand each other. I can talk less. You are wearing me out as it is." Haymitch placed his palms on both sides of his head and squeezed as if it would help.

"That is for the future. That is for plan B. Right now, you are lucky if she wants to be friends with you…with anybody. Don't take it personally. I don't. She doesn't like anyone right now, not even herself. And that….takes longer to resolve, if ever. I can't guarantee she ever will. And besides, I know from experience. I never could either."

He tipped the liquor to his mouth again and gave a nod in salute and perhaps understanding.

"Ok, now for the rest. And I know you are dying to ask me so I won't make you wait any longer," Haymitch offered.

"She gave a hell of a time to that Gale guy too. And that is a personal swipe from me. The rest of the stuff is over…this is different. Enough that he moved away to 2. He never visits. She doesn't seem to care either way."

He scrunched up his mouth and paused and sat down again. Their eyes met.

"She doesn't, but I know. He is smart. He has moved on. He knows it is no use." He held out his hand accusingly to Peeta. "You are too stubborn and always were. Maybe you are not that smart in that way. But you were once a very smart guy. They can't have back whatever the hell they had before the reaping, and after what happened later. Oh, don't get comfortable. It is not that easy. You haven't won…yet."

Peeta watched him, but Haymitch had seen his face change and something occurred to him.

"And with all your gushy nonsense. I think she knows and _he knows_ that what you feel for her is…._different_. I always wondered if that ever crossed her mind. It crossed mine. He may love her or loved her, but never that deep…_my_ opinion…meaning that as big as it was, it still can't compare to your love. Happy? Threw that in there, in case you were wondering what I thought. Enough to consume you and destroy you, and that is not a compliment from me. _You_ would ruin yourself for her. He won't. He can move on. _You won't_. But I guess it has to count for something, don't you think?"

Peeta nodded. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

"And I may have to stop hanging out with you, because I think the gushy wording is catching. Thanks a lot. I haven't talked this much in months." He reached roughly for the bottle and sloshed some liquid into his glass.

"I think you won. Something anyway. You won the first games, so maybe this too. I could be wrong, but that is how I see it." He took a sip and looked intensely at Peeta. But he wasn't smiling.

"I like to think that still….they were friends for a long time. Yes, they did their illegal hunting and swapping activities. But you my friend, in a way, you were there first. I will give you that," and his voice was softer. Five years old is it?

"Yes."

The bread was a nice touch…and the getting slapped around. Simple…yet a heartfelt statement."

Peeta stiffened.

"But I didn't want her to starve. No act. It was in the moment. My mother hit me, and my brothers, all the time anyway. I didn't think. I just _did it."_

"Calm down, I never said you didn't or questioned your intentions. That is how you both get into trouble…all the time...Will you two ever learn? I asked myself all the time. Why haven't I given up on the both of you? Moved? I'll never know. Just a sucker for punishment, I guess, but there is always white liquor." Haymitch took another drink.

Haymitch paused and then spoke slower this time.

"I hear…and this is between you and me, but it won't be for long…that he is dating some girl. Very pretty and works for the government. Strong and sassy, sort of like Sweetheart here."

Peeta answered quickly. "Maybe I should tell her? Do you think then she will know? Would want to know…"

Haymitch slammed the bottle down and grasped his drink.

"Don't pull that with me. You do know who you are talking to right? No, no, no. I see what you are trying to do. Hoping she will get it over with and focus on you then? Nope. It will blow up in your face. I am telling you now…don't even think about it. You are still thinking with your old strategy. But it is you, and I am a bit relieved actually. The Peeta I know, excuse my language, would come up with stupid _crap _like that with her. The old jealousy….the doing anything you can to have her and make her choose you. It didn't work so let me remind you again. Can't fault you for trying though. Have you learned nothing, or heard anything I've been telling you? She decides. Not you. Or you will never have her. You have to be patient. That...is for _real._ And I am talking too much again."

Peeta's face fell, unsure of what to do, but thinking it over, chewing on it.

"I see that face. Take it off. Stop it right now. Let it go. She will find out anyway. It is on tv."

Peeta looked surprised. "I didn't see it. Why? Why would it be? Gale doesn't go for that stuff either."

"Well, two high profile people. It can only be because they are engaged."

"Oh."

"Oh? Oh, is right. He is done. I told you. He made the decision for her. He got tired of waiting for her to do it. He doesn't have your stamina. He is out of the game. Maybe, he doesn't have…doesn't give your kisses either, from what I've heard, but more on that later. But now she has to feel she made it for herself. And in a way…she already had a while ago."

"Will she be upset?" Haymitch looked at him.

"Yeah, but not _at him._ At herself for the past….and not you, unless you tell her. She will see right through it. Like I did. And I called you out on it…see? So my best advice to you is this:"

"What?"

"Shut the hell up!"

"Ok."

"You are not convincing me. Don't just okay me."

"I said ok. Really….I mean it, Haymitch. I'm not upset. I get it."

"Good. You can go now. Oh, make like a tree. I will call her and invite her to dinner. You can come too. No surprises, I will tell her just before you come. You just show up. I will deal with the rest. At least….keep her until you arrive. After that, all bets are off. And I will keep that knife on me too, for both of you."

"Do you think she would leave?"

"Sweetheart…is very unpredictable." Haymitch took another swig and smiled uneasily.

"Fine…I know….but this place….do you even have any food?"

"No. And it is a shit hole. You can say it out loud. But you are used to it, my charming abode. But we have another guest coming."

"Who is that?"

"Effie. I called her to check on her. She is bringing in the food and a clean up crew to help Greasy Sae. They will be here earlier than all of you. Which is a risk, because Katniss knows I like my shit hole the way it is. It may catch her attention. I will just have to take that risk. _You_ do nothing and keep up the illusion of a vacant home. Effie…on the other hand, She really wants to see the both of you. Then I am letting Sae go. She has enough of her hands helping Sweetheart. I'll manage."

"Why, is she…"

"No. She is not doing well. You can see for yourself tomorrow."

"But why didn't you tell me yesterday? Even now? What if she needs…"

"She doesn't want anyone to rescue her, Prince Charming. I had to assess, how _you_ were doing. And to be honest, you are doing better than Sweetheart, I think. And that is not saying much. And I hear Effie is not herself either. So I checked it out. They both need our help. Your help….my _cheering _them up. I saw your face… I'm not helping anyone. I'm out. This time…I am the host. And my liabilities end right there, got it?"

Peeta nodded but seemed uneasy.

"The door is that way. Get a good night's sleep. You will need it."

Peeta rose slowly to leave.

"Wait, and one more thing. How could I forget….and the always being kissy stuff. You have to calm it down. Years before us, before Panem and even the districts….I heard they would have these romantic, godawful tv programs. When tv stuff started to entertain the masses, or whoever could afford it. Pre-filmed, actors, they actually got paid for it, which I still don't believe, and the gushiness was sickening. My grandfather told me that. Reminds me of you two when you meet again or leave each other. Really, too much for me…and I am sensitive to throwing up. Don't make it worse. It is going to be: _Hello Katniss, how is the weather_? Got that? Don't jump on her. _Help it. No romantic stuff!_ It is my house afterall."

"But she likes it… sometimes…"

"_I don't care._ Give it time. I was different. I let my girl…kiss me. If you must know…"

Peeta saw a different Haymitch, for seconds and then the faraway look ceased. "Why? And no I didn't ask first."

"Well, no one else would. And that is how I knew she was the one. Not that it made a difference in hell.." He threw a bottle. "What did it matter? But it did at the time."

He sat down again. Both glass and bottle in hand.

"And maybe it still does. Nobody can replace her. I don't even try. I know that. I don't want anybody else but her…never have, never will. And with you, and your situation….well, that…I do understand."

Peeta said nothing.

"Things may heal with time….sometimes, but even less with the heart. Sometimes never…"

"I thought you said you would not help me."

"I'm not. You are going to help yourself."


End file.
